NOVEMBER 10, 1995

GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE 29

BIG TIPS

Am I a closet case if I don't want to make out in public?

by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone

My head exploded this weekend. Actually, it was just the right side of my head, and the word they used for my eardrum's tantrum was "ruptured," but does that sound as dramatic? No. The basic upshot is I can't eat Cheetos or Grapenuts due to the intercranial volume generated by their hypercrunchiness, and someone could whisper something mean about me directly into my right ear and I would blithely assume it was merely breathy passion. Fortunately there hasn't been a lot of malevolent hissing (that I've heard), so I'm just switching to more pliant cereals and snacks for the duration.

(By the way, the whole punch of my auction tale was left out last month. Remember how I had $350.00? My friend Valerie ripped my hand out of the air, but not before the auctioneer pointed straight at me and cried, "Sold! for $750.00!" Aaaaaaaaaugh! I hadn't even heard the bidding start! Fortunately I was able to take “pledges" from friends at the event, and had enough to cover the bid by the end of the night. Phew.)

Dearest Tipperini,

I'm having a problem with my lover of two years that I hope you can shed some light upon. It seems that her top sexual turn-on is getting passionate in public. Whenever we go out to eat, to shop, or just to walk, she likes to put her arm around me, kiss me on the cheek and, semi-discreetly, pleasure my breasts. Many times she'll go further, even going to the point of manually pleasuring me to the point of orgasm. Last summer we made love at night on the beach, totally naked.

I must admit that the urgency and danger turn me on, but they also scare me. I know that lesbians can get away with more than gay men in public, but I'm still afraid of getting bashed, verbally and physically. I also would rather not be run in for indecent exposure or behavior. My lover, who's very butch and aggressive, always instigates the public affection. I can never say no, even though I want to. I know my lover is attracted to me because I'm a passive partner and I'm afraid if I draw the line, she'll leave me. I'm not ashamed of being a lesbian, and I enjoy some public affection, but it's going too far. Call me:

Can't Say No

Dear Outdoor Breeze May Not Please, First of all, you're not a big closet case if you don't like being fondled in public. It takes courage just to hold hands with your same sex hon, or get an affectionate kiss in greeting, and it sounds like the two of you are, um, way past that point. That said, beside the fact that it's kind of gauche to make passersby participate in your love life without checking with them first, the only thing that concerns me in your letter is "I can never say no, even though I want to."

You can absolutely be a bottom or a femme without compromising your feeling of safety, both emotional and physical. Being sexually submissive does not negate your right and obligation to make clear what is and what is not okay. Talk to your partner about this when you're not in public, or in a sexually charged situation. It sounds like the same things make you hot, since you like that feeling of danger, but you may need to talk about what you really don't want to do, and say your "no" ahead of time.

Your lover may just think that pushing you is part of the steamy indecency of it all, and can't know that it's not okay with you if you don't say so. You may also be able to mention some spot (public or physical) she hasn't thought of... I know I mentioned it last column, but check out The Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt. It's definitely SM based, but it covers lots of ground around negotiation, and the powers and responsibilities of a submissive sexual partner. It's excellent. Good luck.

Dear M. Tipper Martone,

Believe it or not, I am actually writing this letter for a friend, not myself. Actually, a bunch of us were talking about it, and I got chosen to write the actual letter, because I was the only one who had a computer.

Our friend "Arty" was with his lover for over seven years. They lived together, but more importantly, they cooked together. They have a huge collection of cookware and cookbooks from trips they've taken all over the world, and threw amazing brunches and dinner parties, and they'd always make and give these great jars of relish or jam at the holidays.

Well, Arty just got dumped by his lover (let's call him "Choke "), and to add insult to injury, Choke dumped him for a cook at a pretty pathetic restaurant. The problem, besides the heartbreak and anger, is the spices. They jointly own a huge collection of spices and herbs that were collected from all over, and would be impossible to replace. There has been more bitterness over the distribution of the spices than over anything else in the breakup. We think Arty should get them because he was the one who was dumped, plus, he's our friend and we think he should get everything anyway. What do you think?

The Spicy Boys

Dear To Everything There Is A Seasoning,

The days when spices were a measure of a person's wealth, not to mention his or her ability to disguise the taste of rotting meat, are not dead. The only objects I've seen more contention over in a childless breakup are the garden paraphernalia, and god forbid they save seeds from season to season.

Here is my Solomanian decree: cut the baby in two. In this case, however, the baby won't suffer, so get a ton of little glass jars (preferably opaque, to avoid damage from light), and start counting and sorting those saffron threads. Since you were the designated typer, find a friend with calligraphic skills to make nice labels for Arty's new spice jars, so they look nicer than Choke's.

(By the by, I get lots of handwritten letters, so don't let format deter you from dropping me a note. Of course, handsome penpersonship is always admired and appreciated, and gives ma an extra bit of insight on your soul. On the technological flip-flop, you can fax or e-mail queries or comments to me care of this paper, but what that says about your soul, I cannot reveal.)

Send queries or comments to M.T. Martone, care of the Chronicle, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland, OH 44101; or fax to 216631-1082; or e-mail ChronOhio@aol.com.

EMMA

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